The final section of the archive is
eight years of writings
into performance text
These are my private writings
this is my performance
"You are bold, brave, and fierce.
What you are capable of is quite something.
But in the context of this exercise
you have failed gloriously."
I was drugged Saturday night
at a bar called the Village Lantern.
I think I’m eating fine
like my diet hasn’t necessarily changed
in the near future.
I was completely unconscious
That worry fades.
I tune back in.
lost complete control of my body
She’s gotten farther away.
Where is she going?
My hands clam.
What if she sees me?
I’ll say I live this way.
I look ahead of her.
Her speed increases.
My speed slows.
with no recollection of what had happened the
I remember imagining what it would be like after
all of this for the first time.
The dreaded "what if" filled my mind.
And I haven't been able to get it out since.
I’ve been writing all night.
everything is heightened
and everything is harder.
I’ve been thinking all night.
I ached inside. To the point that I haven’t been
myself in days
I scan. Walls. TV. Coffee. Floor. Clothes.
Mrs. Meyer’s ankles.
And it’s no ones fault.
I can’t expect you to just know how I feel. And
I’m sorry that I ever did.
I’m so sorry.
I’m so fucking lucky
“self consciousness is the death of art”
I pretended for a little longer like I didn’t see
them, but my body couldn't forget.
I seek out warmth.
Yet I’m not lucky enough for all of these things to
make me happy yet.
I slithered to the floor and waited until I heard
someone knock to notice they were there.
It was morning, and I was walking.
Maybe a skip or two every so often.
But not much.
The night before I had bit all my nails down as
far as they could be bit without bleeding.
I remember the day so clearly.
I thought I was alone.
Sure as hell I wasn’t!
I help myself
to show others that I’m helping myself
or like if I had some form of audience
to show the effort that I’m making
I don’t actually care to do it if I’m just alone
I begin to slow down,
I need to pay people to motivate me
and I need to go on an anti depressant
My walking feels
a bit different
then it did before.
And thats when.
I’m really sorry to bother you again.
I’m having some ptsd flare up
and am kind of struggling to keep my cool.
I feel bad even asking,
but is there any way you,
could take over at any point today?
I’m really sorry.
I'm so sorry.
worth is malleable
and can be reached through different paths
it may not be the one you expect
but it doesn't mean it can’t be
even greater than the original.
I really enjoy being alone,
but I find myself
in tune with being watched often.
Do we always have an opinion
There were a few moments where I found myself
and the dancing I did was much more balanced,
As soon as I caught someone watching,
my kilter was thrown,
although I continued dancing,
I was not sensing myself in the way I was before.
and after trying extremely hard
to force myself into a mold,
i discovered I was allowed
to try something new
potentially leaving something you’ve spent your whole life trying to be is difficult.
the want for physical contact,
the possible fear in being alone
these moments remind me that
my goal as an actor
is to be as humane as possible.
Allow myself to show up,
to actually think
and to be complex.
She cuts her own wig’s bangs,
even though her hands shake viscerally,
but in reality,
she has no real hair on her entire body.
Even her eyelashes aren’t real…
I am a woman
I will fight to protect my being
I won’t be able to have a conversation about action taking until you acknowledge our past and start a path in making amends to me
And I will eat anyone’s head who gets in my way
I want to be able to take everything at face value and really listen to your advice
But because of my joint condition
the anesthesiologist didn’t feel comfortable putting me completely out
I remember every moment
I really appreciate you being supportive of me and offering to give me some guidance.
but I feel like because my core values stem from acknowledging and making amends
you just can’t let it be
because it’s so uncomfortable.
Those feelings seem intertwined.
The pull of two opposites.
Its the kind of sound that is almost sensual
The female mantis spends her entire life alone
reproducing and giving her eggs nutrients by eating heads off of her lovers while she fucks them
when I want something deeply, I’ve spent the time to know what it is in its entirety and why I want it.
I tend to think of new ideas
and in a matter of minutes
I’ve thought about each piece of the puzzle
how it will look as a whole.
In the past,
this was a way for me to keep
some control over the unknown,
or the things that made me unhappy in my life.
Why am I not allowed to grieve?
With an alcoholic father that would forget about us and show up late,
drunk at the wheel,
we weren’t necessarily the favorite of the group.
My interest in pursuing Taekwondo became less, while my anger for my father became stronger.
I’m just gonna write for a few minutes and see what comes out
everyone around me is making such an effort for themselves
it looks appealing
but then I think about making an effort for myself
and I just can’t imagine
putting in the energy to do it myself
I don’t think I care about myself enough
to do it for myself.
I can’t just get up and do the thing today.
mom wants to bring me home until I get back on my feet
what does that even mean
I just want to take a vacation
don’t have the opportunity to do that right now
In the card that you gave me last Christmas
you wrote about not wasting any time.
stop trying to create what you want in life..
what you think you want in life.
pushing what the world anticipated for you
thought that you were worth
genuinely asking a question
processing new information
the idea of starting from a place of loneliness.
is seemingly growing
I woke up
I threw away starburst wrappers
I went to the bathroom
I brushed my teeth
I put on my Macbeth costume for the first time
I looked at the underwear lines the pants made
I put a coat on to cover them
I went to the mansion
I got a coffee
I joked with Kaitlyn that the coffee is bad
I went to Malik’s class
He got mad that Phoebe and George were late
He told us it was fucking annoying
I rehearsed with Jen
I got interviews by Malik
Jen and I ran the scene
Jen and I kissed
I had 2 sessions
Hemnes Tv stand ($99)✌🏼️
Bjursta bar ($40) ✌🏼️
Billy's bookshelf x2 ($140) ✌🏼️
Fintorp 31" rail ($10)
Fintorp 5 pack hook ($3)
Serving dish ($5)✌🏼
Cutting board ($6)✌🏼️
Cookie sheet ($7)✌🏼️
Wine rack ($13)✌🏼️
Polar bear ($15)✌🏼
Thalassemia minor - different iron panel with breakdown
Sleep a lot
I had my singing lesson
Anne had u lay on the ground
Anne told me it was a “hard day for us”
I helped Oliver with a self tape
I took a nap
I had a session with Alicia
I had a session with Cathy
I had art party
I finished my sock puppet
I had dance class with Kadija
I sat on the couch
I went to the mansion
I looked for Our town
I picked up the printed copy
I made hot cocoa and got Cheetos
I went back and talked to Nia, Emmy, Louis, etc.
I ate starbursts and read our town
I fell asleep
Positive for ebv
major thyroid issues
693 Air Bnb
30 ice chest
Leukemia both sides
-10+ Cup of noodles (chicken flavor)
-Lay wavy chips
-Tonnino yellowfin tuna in olive oil
-Chicken & apple sausage
-Bell&Evans chicken nuggets (no milk)
-sliced Bread (no milk)
-sliced salami or prosciutto
-earth balance butter
-unsweetened soy or almond milk
-Alexia frozen fries (waffle cut or yukons)
Ehlers Danlos Syndrome
-Popchips (sea salt or kettle)
-green or lemon/ginger tea
I will be 26
I will sit in my backyard
I will take my medicine
I will go to rehearsal
I will email the nyu boss for my paycheck
I will think about what I need to do for rehearsal tonight
I will smell Olivers armpits
I will carry obi like a baby
I will take obi to the dog park
I will teach at Nyu
I will perform downtown
I will be seen
Bookshelf lights ($30) ✌🏼️
Alarm clock ($6)✌🏼️
Lack dark brown shelf long/short ($15 & $20)✌🏼
Under shelf lighting ($24)✌🏼️
Hemnes mirror black/brown ($99) ✌🏼️
Hemnes dresser Bright white ($250)✌🏼
Bulbs ($14) ✌🏼️
Rod kit ($1.50)✌🏼️
Racka rod ($1)✌🏼️
Closet rack ($30) ✌🏼️
I will be 30
To go mug
I will be 35
Small bag for city
I will be 55
I will take care of my parents
I will help take care of Olivers parents