The final section of the archive is

me

eight years of writings

reminised on

researched

and reimagined

 

 

 

 

into performance text 

These are my private writings

this is my performance

FREEDOM

00:00 / 07:17
00:00 / 06:14

"You are bold, brave, and fierce.

What you are capable of is quite something.

But in the context of this exercise

you have failed gloriously."

 

I was drugged Saturday night

at a bar called the Village Lantern.

I think I’m eating fine

like my diet hasn’t necessarily changed

in the near future.

I was completely unconscious

That worry fades.

 

I tune back in.

lost complete control of my body

 

She’s gotten farther away.

 

Where is she going?

My hands clam.

 

What if she sees me?

 

I’ll say I live this way.

 

I look ahead of her. 

 

Her speed increases.

 

My speed slows.

 

I stop.

 

I watch. 

with no recollection of what had happened the

 

night before.

I remember imagining what it would be like after

 

all of this for the first time.

 

The dreaded "what if" filled my mind.

And I haven't been able to get it out since.

I wait.

I’ve been writing all night.

everything is heightened

and everything is harder.

I’ve been thinking all night.

I ached inside. To the point that I haven’t been

 

myself in days

 I scan. Walls. TV. Coffee. Floor. Clothes.

 

Mrs. Meyer’s ankles. 

I'm learning.

And it’s no ones fault.

I can’t expect you to just know how I feel. And

 

I’m sorry that I ever did.

I’m so sorry. 

I’m so fucking lucky

“self consciousness is the death of art”

I pretended for a little longer like I didn’t see

 

them, but my body couldn't forget.

I seek out warmth.

 

warm drinks,

 

warm clothes,

 

warm towels,

 

blankets,

 

warm places,

 

warm people,

 

touch.

Yet I’m not lucky enough for all of these things to

 

make me happy yet.

 

I slithered to the floor and waited until I heard

 

someone knock to notice they were there. 

It was morning, and I was walking.

Just walking.

Maybe a skip or two every so often.

 

But not much.

 

The night before I had bit all my nails down as

 

far as they could be bit without bleeding.

I remember the day so clearly.

 

I thought I was alone.

 

Sure as hell I wasn’t!

I help myself

to show others that I’m helping myself

or like if I had some form of audience

to show the effort that I’m making

but like

I don’t actually care to do it if I’m just alone

silence.

 

 

 

hmm.

I begin to slow down,

I need to pay people to motivate me

and I need to go on an anti depressant

My walking feels

 

a bit different

 

then it did before.

I’m stiffer.

Hesitant.

Loud breath.

Quiet feet.

No skips

Eyes locked

 

And thats when.

 

Hey Cat,

I’m really sorry to bother you again.

I’m having some ptsd flare up

and am kind of struggling to keep my cool.

I feel bad even asking,

but is there any way you,

Mia

or Z

could take over at any point today?

 

I’m really sorry.

I'm so sorry.

worth is malleable

and can be reached through different paths

it may not be the one you expect

but it doesn't mean it can’t be

even greater than the original.

I really enjoy being alone,

 

but I find myself

 

in tune with being watched often. 

Do we always have an opinion 

There were a few moments where I found myself

 

completely alone,

and the dancing I did was much more balanced,

beautiful,

pleasurable,

free.

As soon as I caught someone watching,

my kilter was thrown,

 although I continued dancing,

 

I was not sensing myself in the way I was before.

and after trying extremely hard

to force myself into a mold,

i discovered I was allowed

to try something new

 

potentially leaving something you’ve spent your whole life trying to be is difficult.

the confidence

the want for physical contact,

the possible fear in being alone

these moments remind me that

my goal as an actor

is to be as humane as possible.

Allow myself to show up,

to actually think

and to be complex.

She cuts her own wig’s bangs,

even though her hands shake viscerally,

but in reality,

she has no real hair on her entire body.

Even her eyelashes aren’t real…

I am a woman

I will fight to protect my being

I won’t be able to have a conversation about action taking until you acknowledge our past and start a path in making amends to me

And I will eat anyone’s head who gets in my way

I want to be able to take everything at face value and really listen to your advice

But because of my joint condition

the anesthesiologist didn’t feel comfortable putting me completely out

I remember every moment

I really appreciate you being supportive of me and offering to give me some guidance.

 

but I feel like because my core values stem from acknowledging and making amends

you just can’t let it be

because it’s so uncomfortable. 

Those feelings seem intertwined.

 

The pull of two opposites.

Its the kind of sound that is almost sensual

The female mantis spends her entire life alone

reproducing and giving her eggs nutrients by eating heads off of her lovers while she fucks them

when I want something deeply, I’ve spent the time to know what it is in its entirety and why I want it.

 

I tend to think of new ideas

and in a matter of minutes

I’ve thought about each piece of the puzzle

how it will look as a whole.

 

In the past,

this was a way for me to keep

some control over the unknown,

or the things that made me unhappy in my life.

Why am I not allowed to grieve?

 

With an alcoholic father that would forget about us and show up late,

drunk at the wheel,

we weren’t necessarily the favorite of the group.

 

My interest in pursuing Taekwondo became less, while my anger for my father became stronger.

I’m just gonna write for a few minutes and see what comes out

 

everyone around me is making such an effort for themselves

 

it looks appealing

but then I think about making an effort for myself

 

and I just can’t imagine

putting in the energy to do it myself

I don’t think I care about myself enough

to do it for myself. 

 

I can’t just get up and do the thing today.

 

mom wants to bring me home until I get back on my feet

what does that even mean

 

I just want to take a vacation

a reset

I just

don’t have the opportunity to do that right now

In the card that you gave me last Christmas

you wrote about not wasting any time. 

stop trying to create what you want in life..

or rather

what you think you want in life.

pushing what the world anticipated for you

thought that you were worth

beautifully complex.

genuinely asking a question

 

processing new information

my life

 

the idea of starting from a place of loneliness.

is seemingly growing

Yesterday

I woke up

I threw away starburst wrappers

I went to the bathroom

I brushed my teeth

I put on my Macbeth costume for the first time

I looked at the underwear lines the pants made

I put a coat on to cover them

I went to the mansion

I got a coffee

I joked with Kaitlyn that the coffee is bad

I went to Malik’s class

He got mad that Phoebe and George were late

He told us it was fucking annoying

I rehearsed with Jen

I got interviews by Malik

Jen and I ran the scene

Jen and I kissed

I had 2 sessions

 

 

Ikea

Hemnes Tv stand ($99)✌🏼️

Bjursta bar ($40) ✌🏼️

Billy's bookshelf x2 ($140) ✌🏼️

Fintorp 31" rail ($10)

Fintorp 5 pack hook ($3)

Picture ($50)✌🏼️

Couch ($200)

Rug ($100)

Serving dish ($5)✌🏼

Utensils ($5)✌🏼️

Cutting board ($6)✌🏼️

Cookie sheet ($7)✌🏼️

Wine rack ($13)✌🏼️

Polar bear ($15)✌🏼

medical history

Thalassemia minor - different iron panel with breakdown

Fainting 2018

Weak

Tired

Sleep a lot

 

I had my singing lesson

Anne had u lay on the ground

Anne told me it was a “hard day for us”

I helped Oliver with a self tape

I smoked

I took a nap

I had a session with Alicia

I had a session with Cathy

I had art party

I finished my sock puppet

I had dance class with Kadija

I sat on the couch

I went to the mansion

I looked for Our town

I picked up the printed copy

I made hot cocoa and got Cheetos

I went back and talked to Nia, Emmy, Louis, etc.

I ate starbursts and read our town

I fell asleep

Positive for ebv

D deficient

B12 deficient 

Shots

major thyroid issues

 

Knees/ankles/hips

Loose joints

125 weed

221 target

693 Air Bnb

30 ice chest

148 groceries

gma

Aneurisms

 

great gma

Breast cancer

Ovarian cancer

Leukemia both sides

Grocery

-10+ Cup of noodles (chicken flavor) 

-Ritz crackers

-Lay wavy chips

-Tonnino yellowfin tuna in olive oil

-Chicken & apple sausage

-Bell&Evans chicken nuggets (no milk)

-sliced Bread (no milk)

 

Dad

Leukemia gpa

Diabetes gma

Heart disease

 

Mom

High collesteral 

Heart disease

 

-sliced turkey

-sliced salami or prosciutto

-earth balance butter

-unsweetened soy or almond milk

-lucky charms

-Alexia frozen fries (waffle cut or yukons)

Ehlers Danlos Syndrome

 

-Oreos

-Popchips (sea salt or kettle)

-green or lemon/ginger tea

 

1 year

I will be 26

I will sit in my backyard

I will take my medicine

I will go to rehearsal

I will email the nyu boss for my paycheck

I will think about what I need to do for rehearsal tonight

I will smell Olivers armpits 

I will carry obi like a baby

I will take obi to the dog park

I will teach at Nyu

I will perform downtown

I will be seen

 

Bookshelf lights ($30) ✌🏼️

Batteries ✌🏼️

Clock ($19)✌🏼

Alarm clock ($6)✌🏼️

Lack dark brown shelf long/short ($15 & $20)✌🏼

Under shelf lighting ($24)✌🏼️

Hemnes mirror black/brown ($99) ✌🏼️

Hemnes dresser Bright white ($250)✌🏼

Bulbs ($14) ✌🏼️

Plants ($30)

Curtain ($25)✌🏼

Curtain ends($8)✌🏼️

Rod kit ($1.50)✌🏼️

Racka rod ($1)✌🏼️

Hangers ($1.24)✌🏼️

Closet rack ($30) ✌🏼️

 

2027

I will be 30

 

Packing list

Keurig

Circle mirror

diffuser

Mugs

Coffee filter

To go mug

Sweat pants

Leggings

Theatre Shoes

Rug

Side table

Bath caddy

conditioner

Chargers

Plugs

Lamp

Candles

Accent pillows

2032

I will be 35

 

Fuzzy blanket

Pillow

Sheets

BB

Small bag for city

Desk things

Medicine

Computer

Kt tape

Thc cream 

Snow boots

Nikes

Heels

Amazon Echo!!

Toothbrush

 

 

2052

 

I will be 55

 

I will take care of my parents

 

I will help take care of Olivers parents