"You are bold, brave, and fierce.

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What you are capable of is quite something.

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But in the context of this exercise

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you have failed gloriously."

 

I was drugged Saturday night

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at a bar called the Village Lantern.

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I think I’m eating fine

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like my diet hasn’t necessarily changed

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in the near future.

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I was completely unconscious

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That worry fades.

 

I tune back in.

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lost complete control of my body

 

She’s gotten farther away.

 

Where is she going?

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My hands clam.

 

What if she sees me?

 

I’ll say I live this way.

 

I look ahead of her. 

 

Her speed increases.

 

My speed slows.

 

I stop.

 

I watch. 

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with no recollection of what had happened the

 

night before.

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I remember imagining what it would be like after

 

all of this for the first time.

 

The dreaded "what if" filled my mind.

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And I haven't been able to get it out since.

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I wait.

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I’ve been writing all night.

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everything is heightened

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and everything is harder.

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I’ve been thinking all night.

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I ached inside. To the point that I haven’t been

 

myself in days

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 I scan. Walls. TV. Coffee. Floor. Clothes.

 

Mrs. Meyer’s ankles. 

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I'm learning.

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And it’s no ones fault.

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I can’t expect you to just know how I feel. And

 

I’m sorry that I ever did.

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I’m so sorry. 

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I’m so fucking lucky

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“self consciousness is the death of art”

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I pretended for a little longer like I didn’t see

 

them, but my body couldn't forget.

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I seek out warmth.

 

warm drinks,

 

warm clothes,

 

warm towels,

 

blankets,

 

warm places,

 

warm people,

 

touch.

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Yet I’m not lucky enough for all of these things to

 

make me happy yet.

 

I slithered to the floor and waited until I heard

 

someone knock to notice they were there. 

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It was morning, and I was walking.

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Just walking.

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Maybe a skip or two every so often.

 

But not much.

 

The night before I had bit all my nails down as

 

far as they could be bit without bleeding.

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I remember the day so clearly.

 

I thought I was alone.

 

Sure as hell I wasn’t!

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I help myself

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to show others that I’m helping myself

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or like if I had some form of audience

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to show the effort that I’m making

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but like

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I don’t actually care to do it if I’m just alone

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​

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silence.

 

 

 

hmm.

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​

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I begin to slow down,

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I need to pay people to motivate me

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and I need to go on an anti depressant

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My walking feels

 

a bit different

 

then it did before.

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I’m stiffer.

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Hesitant.

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Loud breath.

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Quiet feet.

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No skips

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Eyes locked

 

And thats when.

 

Hey Cat,

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I’m really sorry to bother you again.

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I’m having some ptsd flare up

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and am kind of struggling to keep my cool.

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I feel bad even asking,

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but is there any way you,

Mia

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or Z

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could take over at any point today?

 

I’m really sorry.

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I'm so sorry.

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worth is malleable

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and can be reached through different paths

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it may not be the one you expect

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but it doesn't mean it can’t be

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even greater than the original.

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I really enjoy being alone,

 

but I find myself

 

in tune with being watched often. 

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Do we always have an opinion 

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There were a few moments where I found myself

 

completely alone,

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and the dancing I did was much more balanced,

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beautiful,

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pleasurable,

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free.

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As soon as I caught someone watching,

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my kilter was thrown,

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 although I continued dancing,

 

I was not sensing myself in the way I was before.

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and after trying extremely hard

to force myself into a mold,

i discovered I was allowed

to try something new

 

potentially leaving something you’ve spent your whole life trying to be is difficult.

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the confidence

the want for physical contact,

the possible fear in being alone

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these moments remind me that

my goal as an actor

is to be as humane as possible.

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Allow myself to show up,

to actually think

and to be complex.

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She cuts her own wig’s bangs,

even though her hands shake viscerally,

but in reality,

she has no real hair on her entire body.

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Even her eyelashes aren’t real…

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I am a woman

I will fight to protect my being

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I won’t be able to have a conversation about action taking until you acknowledge our past and start a path in making amends to me

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And I will eat anyone’s head who gets in my way

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I want to be able to take everything at face value and really listen to your advice

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But because of my joint condition

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the anesthesiologist didn’t feel comfortable putting me completely out

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I remember every moment

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I really appreciate you being supportive of me and offering to give me some guidance.

 

but I feel like because my core values stem from acknowledging and making amends

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you just can’t let it be

because it’s so uncomfortable. 

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Those feelings seem intertwined.

 

The pull of two opposites.

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Its the kind of sound that is almost sensual

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The female mantis spends her entire life alone

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reproducing and giving her eggs nutrients by eating heads off of her lovers while she fucks them

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when I want something deeply, I’ve spent the time to know what it is in its entirety and why I want it.

 

I tend to think of new ideas

and in a matter of minutes

I’ve thought about each piece of the puzzle

how it will look as a whole.

 

In the past,

this was a way for me to keep

some control over the unknown,

or the things that made me unhappy in my life.

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Why am I not allowed to grieve?

 

With an alcoholic father that would forget about us and show up late,

drunk at the wheel,

we weren’t necessarily the favorite of the group.

 

My interest in pursuing Taekwondo became less, while my anger for my father became stronger.

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I’m just gonna write for a few minutes and see what comes out

 

everyone around me is making such an effort for themselves

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it looks appealing

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but then I think about making an effort for myself

 

and I just can’t imagine

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putting in the energy to do it myself

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I don’t think I care about myself enough

to do it for myself. 

 

I can’t just get up and do the thing today.

 

mom wants to bring me home until I get back on my feet

what does that even mean

 

I just want to take a vacation

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a reset

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I just

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don’t have the opportunity to do that right now

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In the card that you gave me last Christmas

you wrote about not wasting any time. 

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stop trying to create what you want in life..

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or rather

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what you think you want in life.

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pushing what the world anticipated for you

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thought that you were worth

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beautifully complex.

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genuinely asking a question

 

processing new information

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my life

 

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the idea of starting from a place of loneliness.

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is seemingly growing